Old age is NOT for cowards! by Arhonda Luman 5-11-16

large pic old lady pole dancer

Every day is a surprise when we reach the ripe old age of 50 (more or less). Little changes creep up on us unsuspecting people, like a  wedgy on a hot day.  Sometimes, they are subtle  hints, sometimes they are bold, blatant, heralders  whose visual proclamations draw  eyes  like a plumber’s butt crack.

Oh, I know what young people think. They think their butt will always be taut and look good in their translucent speedos!   They are under the impression, that their personal crevice will stay where it is, all nice and horizontal and easy to cover or decorate!  Ha!  They are clueless. Older people cant wear speedos anymore.(without their audience  needing acute psychological care) Their dang butt crack slipped down the back of their leg and somehow ended up like a lightning bolt, sort of zig zaggy, in rare instances , diagonal.. That’s why boxers were invented, purely for self defense.

Even clothing is befuddled about the whole ordeal. Pants are totally confused. They want to stay  up, we want them to stay up, but gravity has had its way so long, after a period of time, it just claims more territory. The pants just give in.

Everything that was north….slides south. Young women whose bosoms were at a 90 degree angle with their body, discover the angle had drastically changed to about a 45 (at first) As time progresses, in some instances, a complete 180 has been documented.           Parts of our bodies that pointed outwards are in, up is now down and if it was in, it’s out. Foul play! I say.

Even  doctors have to be creative when dealing with seniors……why, just today, I had to go have an ultrasound on my heart, which turned out to be an adventure, for me AND the doctor. 🙂

I did not dread the procedure, since  I had an ultrasound when I was young and pregnant. The lady performing the procedure, told me to pop up on the table, which I did, like I was a Kellog’s pop tart. She told me to lie back on the narrow table,  bare my stomach while she squirted gel in strategic areas. She took a wand of sorts, stuck it in the gel and slid it over my tight swollen but firm tummy, while she looked for the baby. She was able to tell me how far along I was, how much the baby weighed and how long the baby was.  Piece of cake that was. When we finished, I hopped off the table and exited the building.

With all that in mind, I went into the procedure room today. First off, the male doctor said to me, “I’ll leave the room while you take off everything above your waist and put on that gown. Leave it open in the back and lie on that table. *eyebulge*

I thought to myself, “He has NO idea what is asking me to do.”  Being the meek obedient type person I am, I cooperated fully. ummm No, make that, I INTENDED to cooperate fully.

The first thing I had to do was unleash the beasts I carry on my chest, then keep them out of my way so I wouldn’t trip over them while I tried to climb the table that was no wider than a balance beam.  Lord have mercy, I dreaded putting that bra back on!  I had tamed them once this morning when I dressed, I did not know if I could wrestle them  into submission again so soon, but I was willing to try.

I found the gown he was talking about, and slipped it up just past my elbows. (it would go no farther) “Houston, we have a problem!” It was open in the back all right…..but they gave me a gown that should have been labeled, “One toddler.”   No matter though, I was a trooper I made it work. When the tech came back in, he said take the gown off your left arm and roll over on your left side, which I did. Now the stupid gown looked like a danged armband.

Authoritatively, he said, ” Roll over on your left side?” Those words hit me like a torpedo, but I didn’t sink yet! I’m fairly unsinkable, but this was a challenge.

“Did he know what he was asking me to do?” If I stayed on my back, my arms could act like sideboards on a pick up and sorta keep the gals corralled. If I turned over, (not towards the wall which would also help,)  there was nothing to keep those rebellious puppies from slinking off the side of the bed like mercury. (dang gravity!)

I tried to be responsible and I kept his well being in mind, and mine too! I attempted to keep them out of the way so he wouldn’t trip over them and cause injury to either of us, but I was in dire straights. It was tricky to  keep my  balance on the beam (he called a bed) wear the armband,  while fighting the forces of gravity coupled with the weight of those puppies that threatened to drag me off the bed into the floor. I was in a quandary to be sure, but I did it. Then, he turned his back to take notes while the girl that was helping him, started the procedure.

She was so nice, she said, I’m going to squirt this gel in the middle of your chest. *gulp*  I had to get back to work and I didn’t know how long it would take to find *the middle* so I just gave her a hint….. I said, “You might check around my knees for it!” 🙂



6 thoughts on “Old age is NOT for cowards! by Arhonda Luman 5-11-16

  1. As skinny as I am, I can still relate to all the parts are not being where they used to be. LOL. Hope your ultrasound came out fine.


  2. This is wonderful! I need to steal the image of the mercury breasts. Yes, old age is not for the faint of heart. Try writing sex scenes for seniors!


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